I feel convicted to write this blog about bullying.
I've been bullied. A lot. I've been called names. A lot of names. Some horrible, and some just plain stupid. All of the names had to do with me being fat. I was even bullied in college.
I've been called a fat pig. A worthless piece of shit. I've had people write plus size power on my dorm door when I was away at school. I've been called fat more times than I could ever remember.
I remember each and every incidence of being called names. Sometimes it came from someone I didn't even know. When I started 9th grade I was walking around a corner at school and I accidently almost ran into a guy who was coming the other way. He called me a fat bitch. Lovely, right? I don't know how much this name calling has played into my self esteem, but I can say that I am very conscience of my appearance. I always feel fat. I always wonder how awful I look in something that I am wearing. I have lost and gained and lost and gained weight for years. It is a nasty cycle. I am working on breaking it.
At this moment in my life I am under an immense amount of stress. I cope with that by eating. Not good for me or my waistline. I sometimes wonder what people are thinking, and if they are calling me fat in their heads. Ridiculous, right?
I guess my point in all of this is, don't bully. Don't call people names. Not only is it mean, but it can really effect a person's life. Teach your kids not to bully. Teach your kids to stand up for the victim being bullied. It only takes one person to make a difference. I am doing my best to raise my kids to be that one person.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Update on Cole and genetics
Ahh it has been so long yet again since I have updated!
Cole went to another genetics appointment yesterday. It went very well. He has pretty much been cleared of MPS, which is excellent! The new plan is to test for lysosomal storage disorders, and if that comes back clear, then his doctor will do a complete DNA work up and look for any abnormalities in his chromosomes. He had blood work done yesterday for the lysosomal tests and it will be sent out to a guy in Philadelphia (the doc said this guy is the best!) so it will be about 2 to 3 weeks before we get the results. What a long wait!
Figuring out what is going on with Cole is kind of like trying to find all the pieces of a puzzle. A really big, scattered all over the place kind of puzzle. Because he has the developmental delay, the hydrocephalus, and an abnormalitiy on his lower spine, it makes his doctors questions what is going on with him. If there were just one symptom, they would possibly chalk it up to just a delay, or just hydrocephalus, but because there are multiple things all together, it makes them more concerned.
The nice thing was that his genetic counselor (who is amazing!) told Jon and I that we are doing everything that we should be doing to help him. He goes in for a speech assessment on September 14th, and he goes to his young toddlers group still too. He met with a new genetics doctor too. He was really nice and great with Cole. His old doctor retired. I really loved her, but this new one seems pretty good too :) His genetic counselor is really great at explaining everything to us, and she is great at taking all of my calls too! I start hounding her for test results right at the 2 week mark. I am his advocate, and boy do I take that seriously!
Our new mission right now is to get the approval we need from our health insurance to do the DNA testing. I am hoping and praying that it will be easy to do this and then we can me on our way to finding out what is up with my sweet baby boy!
That is all I have for now :)
Cole went to another genetics appointment yesterday. It went very well. He has pretty much been cleared of MPS, which is excellent! The new plan is to test for lysosomal storage disorders, and if that comes back clear, then his doctor will do a complete DNA work up and look for any abnormalities in his chromosomes. He had blood work done yesterday for the lysosomal tests and it will be sent out to a guy in Philadelphia (the doc said this guy is the best!) so it will be about 2 to 3 weeks before we get the results. What a long wait!
Figuring out what is going on with Cole is kind of like trying to find all the pieces of a puzzle. A really big, scattered all over the place kind of puzzle. Because he has the developmental delay, the hydrocephalus, and an abnormalitiy on his lower spine, it makes his doctors questions what is going on with him. If there were just one symptom, they would possibly chalk it up to just a delay, or just hydrocephalus, but because there are multiple things all together, it makes them more concerned.
The nice thing was that his genetic counselor (who is amazing!) told Jon and I that we are doing everything that we should be doing to help him. He goes in for a speech assessment on September 14th, and he goes to his young toddlers group still too. He met with a new genetics doctor too. He was really nice and great with Cole. His old doctor retired. I really loved her, but this new one seems pretty good too :) His genetic counselor is really great at explaining everything to us, and she is great at taking all of my calls too! I start hounding her for test results right at the 2 week mark. I am his advocate, and boy do I take that seriously!
Our new mission right now is to get the approval we need from our health insurance to do the DNA testing. I am hoping and praying that it will be easy to do this and then we can me on our way to finding out what is up with my sweet baby boy!
That is all I have for now :)
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I am pretty bad at this blogging business
My new goal is to try and blog at least once a month. Not sure if I will actually meet that goal, but I am going to try!
Life has been very busy for me lately. I am in school full time in the evenings and homework takes up all of my free time. It has been a crazy journey so far, but I am actually loving it! I love learning. I have dreams of one day becoming a nurse. Far in the future I am sure, but it is something that I want to do.
Owen, Lucy, and Cole are doing great! Owen is going through some terrible 3's type of behavior right now, so I am trying to take it one day at a time and trying to learn what type of parenting he needs to help him through this. It is rough, but he is one awesome little man, and he will find his way out soon. Lucy is one sassy little girl. She really likes going after Cole. He is so mellow and kind hearted, he just sits there and she sits on top of him. I have to pick her up off of him! My wrestling little twins!
Well, this is all the time I have for right now, perhaps I will blog again soon!
Life has been very busy for me lately. I am in school full time in the evenings and homework takes up all of my free time. It has been a crazy journey so far, but I am actually loving it! I love learning. I have dreams of one day becoming a nurse. Far in the future I am sure, but it is something that I want to do.
Owen, Lucy, and Cole are doing great! Owen is going through some terrible 3's type of behavior right now, so I am trying to take it one day at a time and trying to learn what type of parenting he needs to help him through this. It is rough, but he is one awesome little man, and he will find his way out soon. Lucy is one sassy little girl. She really likes going after Cole. He is so mellow and kind hearted, he just sits there and she sits on top of him. I have to pick her up off of him! My wrestling little twins!
Well, this is all the time I have for right now, perhaps I will blog again soon!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thoughts on a Saturday night
I don't know where to begin. I am having a ton of thoughts right now, and trying to put them down on paper, or screen in this case, is giving me some difficulties. They are all jumbled in my head. I have been feeling angry and mad at certain situations in Jon's life right now, and I don't like the feeling of having anger in my heart. It takes a bit away from me, if that makes sense. It takes more energy than I want to give it. My problem is letting it go. I have never been one to let things go easily, and I am constantly trying to work on that. It is a struggle. One that I hope to overcome one day. I don't want to get into the situations here on this blog, mainly because they don't actually have anything to do with me personally, but with Jon, and I feel this overwhelming urge to protect him from it, and I can't do that. I can't. This is something he has to do on his own, and I am afraid that he won't, and it is not a healthy choice for him to make. I am working on being supportive and quiet, something I am not very good at!
Life has been very busy for me. School takes a major amount of my time. I like school, but I feel so worm out. It is a lot more than I thought it would be. The cool thing too is that I am meeting a lot of pretty neat people at school, and I have a good time socializing with other adults. I don't get much of that at home.
On to some big news---- My baby girl is walking! She is so cute. She holds her arms in the air and gets going. She makes her momma so proud. My baby boy is crawling around like a mad man now too. He is so precious! He is also starting to cruise on the furniture, so that is pretty amazing to watch! He is getting another MRI in a few weeks, and then it may be on to surgery to place a shunt for his hydrocephalus. I am very nervous about it all, so I am taking my time to think on it and see what this MRI shows, and then I will form more thoughts on it. I am working on taking everything one day at a time, but I can't help that sometimes many days jump on me at once!
Owen has been growing by leaps and bounds. He is such a smart little dude, and let's not forget how sassy he is too! He has a love for art, and really enjoys coloring and painting, which includes using the walls as his canvas, which does not make his grandma very happy.
I know not many people read this blog, but if you are reading it, say a prayer for my mom please. She is having a rough go of it lately, and could really use the thoughts. She is struggling with finding a job, and it is adding a lot of stress to her already stressful life. She has the weight of the world on her shoulders right now. I know that God will provide, and I know that we will be alright. :-)
Life has been very busy for me. School takes a major amount of my time. I like school, but I feel so worm out. It is a lot more than I thought it would be. The cool thing too is that I am meeting a lot of pretty neat people at school, and I have a good time socializing with other adults. I don't get much of that at home.
On to some big news---- My baby girl is walking! She is so cute. She holds her arms in the air and gets going. She makes her momma so proud. My baby boy is crawling around like a mad man now too. He is so precious! He is also starting to cruise on the furniture, so that is pretty amazing to watch! He is getting another MRI in a few weeks, and then it may be on to surgery to place a shunt for his hydrocephalus. I am very nervous about it all, so I am taking my time to think on it and see what this MRI shows, and then I will form more thoughts on it. I am working on taking everything one day at a time, but I can't help that sometimes many days jump on me at once!
Owen has been growing by leaps and bounds. He is such a smart little dude, and let's not forget how sassy he is too! He has a love for art, and really enjoys coloring and painting, which includes using the walls as his canvas, which does not make his grandma very happy.
I know not many people read this blog, but if you are reading it, say a prayer for my mom please. She is having a rough go of it lately, and could really use the thoughts. She is struggling with finding a job, and it is adding a lot of stress to her already stressful life. She has the weight of the world on her shoulders right now. I know that God will provide, and I know that we will be alright. :-)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
So many new things are happening...
So, it has been around 2 months since my last post! It has been a whirlwind of things going on since then. Jon and I are trying to work on our marriage, and we are each seeking individual counseling at this time, with marital counseling in the future. It all came out of nowhere, but I am taking it one day at a time and moving very slowly. He has told me that he has so much guilt over what he had done that he couldn't face talking to me, and that he didn't think that I would ever be willing to go back with him. I have really great days where I am so happy that we are trying to work on our marriage, and I have really bad days where I have such fear that he is going to break my heart all over again. I have major trust issues with him, and I am learning how to work through those issues. I have some fear that I will never be able to fully get over what happened. I sometimes wish we could go back 6 months and smack ourselves upside our heads. We both saw this coming, and yet we couldn't get ourselves to the place we needed to be. At this very moment, I am looking forward to our future together as a family, and I pray that God will work through us and with us and that we will follow Him and His plans for us.
On a personal note, I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately. I am now in school to become a medical assistant, and it is so time consuming. I feel like I may have gotten myself in too deep, and I am afraid that I won't be able to climb back out! I am working on my time management skills, hoping that it will help me. I need to learn how to study and do homework efficiently while raising 3 kids and taking care of my responsibilities. It is a daunting task, but I am up for the challenge! It has started to hit me that after school is done in the begining of November, I will no longer be working at the childcare. This has been a hard thing for me to deal with. I love my job, and I love my coworkers, and I especially love all the kids. I was called to work there almost 10 years ago, and it is in my heart. It is a part of me. I have built bonds that will last a lifetime, and my kids and I have been blessed to be a part of such a great place. I am hoping that I will be able to keep there once I start working.
Update on the kids- They are all doing great! Owen is learning more and more by the day. He can write his name, knows all of his colors, shapes, ABC's, and can even say some things in Spanish! He amazes me. Lucy is a little spitfire. Her spirit is beautiful, and her temper is red hot! She took 5 steps last weekend, and hasn't taken one since! She is a bit of a scaredy cat. Cole has grown by leaps and bounds. It has been amazing to watch him progress. He is crawling, pulling himself up, and trying to walk now. It is an answer to my prayers for him. He seems to love his young toddler play group, and I enjoy the 45 mintues I get to spend with just him. I wish I had that opportunity with each of my kids. Owen is learning his firt bible verse for his little performance. He is so precious. He is learning Proverbs 3:5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. He melts my heart!
I would love to say that now that I have updated my blog, I will continue on updating and keeping up with it, but odds are good that the next update will be 2 months from now! Such is life :-)
On a personal note, I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately. I am now in school to become a medical assistant, and it is so time consuming. I feel like I may have gotten myself in too deep, and I am afraid that I won't be able to climb back out! I am working on my time management skills, hoping that it will help me. I need to learn how to study and do homework efficiently while raising 3 kids and taking care of my responsibilities. It is a daunting task, but I am up for the challenge! It has started to hit me that after school is done in the begining of November, I will no longer be working at the childcare. This has been a hard thing for me to deal with. I love my job, and I love my coworkers, and I especially love all the kids. I was called to work there almost 10 years ago, and it is in my heart. It is a part of me. I have built bonds that will last a lifetime, and my kids and I have been blessed to be a part of such a great place. I am hoping that I will be able to keep there once I start working.
Update on the kids- They are all doing great! Owen is learning more and more by the day. He can write his name, knows all of his colors, shapes, ABC's, and can even say some things in Spanish! He amazes me. Lucy is a little spitfire. Her spirit is beautiful, and her temper is red hot! She took 5 steps last weekend, and hasn't taken one since! She is a bit of a scaredy cat. Cole has grown by leaps and bounds. It has been amazing to watch him progress. He is crawling, pulling himself up, and trying to walk now. It is an answer to my prayers for him. He seems to love his young toddler play group, and I enjoy the 45 mintues I get to spend with just him. I wish I had that opportunity with each of my kids. Owen is learning his firt bible verse for his little performance. He is so precious. He is learning Proverbs 3:5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. He melts my heart!
I would love to say that now that I have updated my blog, I will continue on updating and keeping up with it, but odds are good that the next update will be 2 months from now! Such is life :-)
Friday, March 5, 2010
It's been a while...
Well, it has been a while. I have been having a rough go of it the last week or so. I have been mourning the loss of my marriage, and dealing with the testings with Cole. I am overwhelmed, to say the least. I want so many things right now. I want Jon to call and say he will go to counseling and that he loves me. I want doctors to start telling me that Cole is fine and it was all a mistake. I want to not have anxiety. I want to like myself and everything about me. I want to be happy. I want to live and love life. I want to move on and heal.
I do want to want to move on and heal. I want that. But I can't do it. At least not right now. I want to be a family again, that is what I want. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to be apart. I don't want to have to read Owen the books I got on divorce to help him with the hard time he is having. I don't want any of this, not at all. The thing that really gets to me is that I can't change a thing about this situation, except the way I am responding to it. And I don't even know how to do that. I want to talk to him all the time again, and then I remind myself of all the horrible nasty things he has said and done and then I hate him all over again and want it to be over. Then I love him again. The back and forth is wearing me down so badly. I wish I could pick one emotion and just stick with it.
Owen has been breaking my heart. He asks for his daddy often, and when he is upset with me he cries for his daddy. He asks him to stay when he comes here to pick them up or drop them off, and I have to be the bad guy and talk to him about how daddy doesn't live here anymore, blah blah blah. I get the best end of the deal, I have my wonderful babies with me all the time, but I get the worst end too. I have to deal with the day to day hurt and sadness I see Owen going through, and it is tearing me apart. My heart is breaking for him. For his pain. For his hurt. For his fear. He has been acting out terribly, and is being really defiant. It is so hard to see him struggling emotionally. I went to the library and got some books that will hopefully teach me how to help him.
My kids are amazing, and they are the single most greatest things that I have done in my entire life. God has blessed me more than I could ever imagine possible. Owen, Lucy, and Cole are the light of my life. They make the best days even better and the worst days managable. I need an outlet for all of my feelings, so for now this blog is going to have to suit that purpose. I have been working on not going on and on about this to friends, I can only imagine how annoying it could get if I just kept going on and on about divorce and pain and heartbreak. It tires me out, so I can bet that it tires them out too!
Amy and my mom have been my rocks during this time, and I am forever grateful for that. I am so blessed to have such a great friend and such a great momma! I hope that my kids feel that way about me someday. Anywho, I am emotionally drained and need to shower and go to bed.
I do want to want to move on and heal. I want that. But I can't do it. At least not right now. I want to be a family again, that is what I want. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to be apart. I don't want to have to read Owen the books I got on divorce to help him with the hard time he is having. I don't want any of this, not at all. The thing that really gets to me is that I can't change a thing about this situation, except the way I am responding to it. And I don't even know how to do that. I want to talk to him all the time again, and then I remind myself of all the horrible nasty things he has said and done and then I hate him all over again and want it to be over. Then I love him again. The back and forth is wearing me down so badly. I wish I could pick one emotion and just stick with it.
Owen has been breaking my heart. He asks for his daddy often, and when he is upset with me he cries for his daddy. He asks him to stay when he comes here to pick them up or drop them off, and I have to be the bad guy and talk to him about how daddy doesn't live here anymore, blah blah blah. I get the best end of the deal, I have my wonderful babies with me all the time, but I get the worst end too. I have to deal with the day to day hurt and sadness I see Owen going through, and it is tearing me apart. My heart is breaking for him. For his pain. For his hurt. For his fear. He has been acting out terribly, and is being really defiant. It is so hard to see him struggling emotionally. I went to the library and got some books that will hopefully teach me how to help him.
My kids are amazing, and they are the single most greatest things that I have done in my entire life. God has blessed me more than I could ever imagine possible. Owen, Lucy, and Cole are the light of my life. They make the best days even better and the worst days managable. I need an outlet for all of my feelings, so for now this blog is going to have to suit that purpose. I have been working on not going on and on about this to friends, I can only imagine how annoying it could get if I just kept going on and on about divorce and pain and heartbreak. It tires me out, so I can bet that it tires them out too!
Amy and my mom have been my rocks during this time, and I am forever grateful for that. I am so blessed to have such a great friend and such a great momma! I hope that my kids feel that way about me someday. Anywho, I am emotionally drained and need to shower and go to bed.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
A good post...
I figured it is about time to do a good post, so here goes...
I am in the middle of planning the twins first birthday party. I am so excited for it. It feels good to look forward to something. I am having their birthday party on my actual birthday. I am glad that I decided to do it then, it makes me excited for my birthday too. I was concerned about how I would feel in light of everything going on, so it really will be a great thing.
My birthday last year was horrible. Lucy and Cole were born 5 days before, and I felt so awful. It took me 8 weeks before I started feeling normal from having the twins. My heart was always pounding, my hands shook so bad, my blood pressure was out of control, I was anemic from losing so much blood during my c-section. I was so grateful that I didn't end up needing a blood transfusion. Even though it was a pretty rotten time, I would not change a thing about it at all.
Their birthday theme is 1st birthday princess and 1st birthday prince. The decorations are so cute! I am so grateful to my sister who bought them as their gift. Everything will be pink and blue. I am thinking that I will have pizza and some snacks. The twins love pizza, just like their momma! I bought Owen a yo gabba gabba memory game today so he has a little gift to open too, he is having some issues with jealousy. I don't blame him, it must be hard for him, he doens't get nearly as much attention as he did pre-babies.
I am having the party in the basement, what a chore that is going to be! My mom and I are going to work down there tomorrow when Jon takes the kids for a little bit. It will end up working out perfectly because it needs to be cleaned down there anyway so Faith and Jake can move down there.
Well, I must head on off to bed soon, it is almost 2 in the morning!
I am in the middle of planning the twins first birthday party. I am so excited for it. It feels good to look forward to something. I am having their birthday party on my actual birthday. I am glad that I decided to do it then, it makes me excited for my birthday too. I was concerned about how I would feel in light of everything going on, so it really will be a great thing.
My birthday last year was horrible. Lucy and Cole were born 5 days before, and I felt so awful. It took me 8 weeks before I started feeling normal from having the twins. My heart was always pounding, my hands shook so bad, my blood pressure was out of control, I was anemic from losing so much blood during my c-section. I was so grateful that I didn't end up needing a blood transfusion. Even though it was a pretty rotten time, I would not change a thing about it at all.
Their birthday theme is 1st birthday princess and 1st birthday prince. The decorations are so cute! I am so grateful to my sister who bought them as their gift. Everything will be pink and blue. I am thinking that I will have pizza and some snacks. The twins love pizza, just like their momma! I bought Owen a yo gabba gabba memory game today so he has a little gift to open too, he is having some issues with jealousy. I don't blame him, it must be hard for him, he doens't get nearly as much attention as he did pre-babies.
I am having the party in the basement, what a chore that is going to be! My mom and I are going to work down there tomorrow when Jon takes the kids for a little bit. It will end up working out perfectly because it needs to be cleaned down there anyway so Faith and Jake can move down there.
Well, I must head on off to bed soon, it is almost 2 in the morning!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Exhausted
I am completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. My heart is so broken. I didn't even know that pain this unbearable existed. I gave it my all. I tried everything I possibly could do to make him want to work on our marriage. The end answer is that he doesn't want to be with me. He does not want to be in our marriage anymore. I cannot do anything else about it. I know in my heart that I did all that I could. I wanted to do so much more. I wanted to go to counseling. I wanted to make it work.
Sometimes we don't get the things that we want. That is the truth about life. I want to believe that even though we don't get what we want, we get what we need. I need to believe that to move on and live.
I have only been in love one time, and I married that man. I have never had my heart broken before this situation, and I feel for everyone who has ever experienced this before. I never knew that I could hurt this badly. I feel destroyed to my very soul. My heart feels like nothing could ever make it whole again.
I am so thankful that I have my children to get me through this. They are the best gift that God could have ever blessed me with. Through all of this, they have been amazing. Always smiling. I hope that one day I can look back on this and be thankful that it happened, and know that it was what was supposed to happen. I do not feel that at all right now, but maybe when the situation is not so raw I will feel like that. I can only hope.
Now, I need to vent for a short time. I feel like if he loved me he would have fought for me, for our marriage, and for our family. I know that when my anxiety/ocd issues were at its worst, that it was too much for him. Hell, it was far too much for me. I wish that at that time he would have talked to me about it instead of running away from our marriage. I feel like if he loved me the way I loved him, the way I deserved to be loved, that he would have loved me through the anxiety. That he would have loved me unconditionally, anxiety and all. I deserve someone who loves me, all of me, every part of me.
Very few people know how awful it was towards the end. I will keep that to myself, but I wanted to let you all know even though I am heart broken, I am also healing. I am healing from the pain, anger, and sadness that was in my marriage before it fell apart. My kids are healing from what they went through at the end. I know that we will be ok. I know that I will be ok, eventually. Time heals all wounds as the saying goes...
Sometimes we don't get the things that we want. That is the truth about life. I want to believe that even though we don't get what we want, we get what we need. I need to believe that to move on and live.
I have only been in love one time, and I married that man. I have never had my heart broken before this situation, and I feel for everyone who has ever experienced this before. I never knew that I could hurt this badly. I feel destroyed to my very soul. My heart feels like nothing could ever make it whole again.
I am so thankful that I have my children to get me through this. They are the best gift that God could have ever blessed me with. Through all of this, they have been amazing. Always smiling. I hope that one day I can look back on this and be thankful that it happened, and know that it was what was supposed to happen. I do not feel that at all right now, but maybe when the situation is not so raw I will feel like that. I can only hope.
Now, I need to vent for a short time. I feel like if he loved me he would have fought for me, for our marriage, and for our family. I know that when my anxiety/ocd issues were at its worst, that it was too much for him. Hell, it was far too much for me. I wish that at that time he would have talked to me about it instead of running away from our marriage. I feel like if he loved me the way I loved him, the way I deserved to be loved, that he would have loved me through the anxiety. That he would have loved me unconditionally, anxiety and all. I deserve someone who loves me, all of me, every part of me.
Very few people know how awful it was towards the end. I will keep that to myself, but I wanted to let you all know even though I am heart broken, I am also healing. I am healing from the pain, anger, and sadness that was in my marriage before it fell apart. My kids are healing from what they went through at the end. I know that we will be ok. I know that I will be ok, eventually. Time heals all wounds as the saying goes...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Moving on...
I am ready to move on, to be done with all this drama. I would like to get this divorce moving, and I would love for all the testing to be done with Cole. I would love for all the worry to disappear. That would be great!
I have good moments and bad moments. Mainly, I feel a lot of anger and hatred towards him. He acts so hateful to me, and that is making it way easier for me to dislike him so much at this time. I have never been one to be patient, I want this done and over with now! It will take 6 months from when one of us files, and at this point and time I don't even know if he has done that or not. I have not, I am still working on getting the money together so I can file. If he does it before me, then I will at least have the money to retain my lawyer. I am nervous about the future and how I will support my kids, but God is good, and I have faith that all will work out exactly the way it is supposed to.
I am now pondering what I want to do with my life. I have wanted to become a nurse for the last few years. I am toying with the idea of maybe going back to school for nursing. I would love to become a CNM and deliver babies! If I would have started this years ago, I would love to be an OB. I find everthing having to deal with pregnancy and birth so exciting! I wonder if that is because my pregnancies sucked so bad.
Quick update on the kiddos...They are all finally ear infection free! It only took 2 months for Lucy, and over a month for Owen. Lucy is off of breathing treatments and is breathing well and her lungs are sounding clear and healthy. Cole is improving on his motor skills. I have been doing his exercises with him, and he is doing great. Lucy is wanting to walk, and I bet she will very shortly! Owen is doing great in school, he is learning spanish and loves playing with his friends. My kids are awesome, I can't lie :-)
I have good moments and bad moments. Mainly, I feel a lot of anger and hatred towards him. He acts so hateful to me, and that is making it way easier for me to dislike him so much at this time. I have never been one to be patient, I want this done and over with now! It will take 6 months from when one of us files, and at this point and time I don't even know if he has done that or not. I have not, I am still working on getting the money together so I can file. If he does it before me, then I will at least have the money to retain my lawyer. I am nervous about the future and how I will support my kids, but God is good, and I have faith that all will work out exactly the way it is supposed to.
I am now pondering what I want to do with my life. I have wanted to become a nurse for the last few years. I am toying with the idea of maybe going back to school for nursing. I would love to become a CNM and deliver babies! If I would have started this years ago, I would love to be an OB. I find everthing having to deal with pregnancy and birth so exciting! I wonder if that is because my pregnancies sucked so bad.
Quick update on the kiddos...They are all finally ear infection free! It only took 2 months for Lucy, and over a month for Owen. Lucy is off of breathing treatments and is breathing well and her lungs are sounding clear and healthy. Cole is improving on his motor skills. I have been doing his exercises with him, and he is doing great. Lucy is wanting to walk, and I bet she will very shortly! Owen is doing great in school, he is learning spanish and loves playing with his friends. My kids are awesome, I can't lie :-)
Friday, January 8, 2010
Feeling guilty
I have a problem with feeling guilty. I feel guilty about how I feel. I am honestly not sure if that even makes any sense right now.
I have had a rough day today. I felt really angry and hateful. I wanted to say mean things and try to hurt him even a fraction as much as he hurt me. I had nightmares last night about him cheating on me, and I woke up feeling so sick to my stomach, because the nightmare is happening in real life.
I feel so stupid. I feel naive. I feel dumb. I feel like I was too trusting. I feel a lot of things. I feel betrayed. I feel lost. I feel heart broken. I feel pissed beyond belief. I feel like I should have done something more to ensure that this didn't happen, even though I asked for counseling and I asked for us to get help. I feel so much right now that it is all overwhelming my emotions.
I am going to be honest right now, I feel bad for myself, and that makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am being kicked while I am already down. All the medical issues with Cole, issues with money, issues with my anxiety, the issues in my marriage, the fighting, the responsibilities of my children, all of it has taken such a toll on me. And I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I love my kids more than life itself, and I wanted better for them. I know that people have it way worse than me, and I am trying to remember that, but when all this is happening to me, I find it so hard to be positive and to think that way. That makes me feel so guilty.
Since I am being honest, I might as well say this too. I want to be mean. I want to be nasty. I want to scream at the girl, call her nasty names and make her feel like hell. I want to be mean to him. I have said some things to him, but I want to go all out crazy. I want to tell him how much I hate him right now, and how what he has done to his family is making me sick. I want to tell him that him not calling to check on the kids when they are as sick as they are right now makes me insane. I want to tell him that it was ridiculous how he talked to me at the DMC for Cole's scope. He talked to me like nothing has happened. Like I was his good friend or something. Dude, I am not your friend. I am your WIFE. The one you are cheating on. The one who is heart broken by what you did.
I am so grateful for my mom and sister during all of this. They have been there for me, and listened to me go between crying hysterically to being so angry I couldn't see straight. I am also so grateful for Amy. She listened to me these last two weeks, and has cried with me, and given me so much support. I am forever grateful for that.
I don't like feeling this way. I don't like having hate in my heart. It is tearing me apart. I know that this is all part of the grieving process, but I don't like it one bit. I don't like going from happy to sad to mad and then back all over again. I have done so well with making sure that I don't cry in front of Owen, and that I keep all my emotions under control until I am able to let them out when the kids are not around.
I wish I could shout from the roof top about how bad the last few months have been. But I won't. A very few people know what I have been going through, and I don't want to burden people with all of it. Just know that it has not been a very peaceful situation for quite a bit. In the long run this is what is best for me and my kids, but it still breaks my heart.
I didn't want this for my life, for my kids, but here it is. I know that with God, I will get through this stronger than I was before. I know that life is full of bumps and hurdles, and right now I am getting my share of them, but it will get better.
I needed this. I needed to vent. I needed to get this all out.
I have had a rough day today. I felt really angry and hateful. I wanted to say mean things and try to hurt him even a fraction as much as he hurt me. I had nightmares last night about him cheating on me, and I woke up feeling so sick to my stomach, because the nightmare is happening in real life.
I feel so stupid. I feel naive. I feel dumb. I feel like I was too trusting. I feel a lot of things. I feel betrayed. I feel lost. I feel heart broken. I feel pissed beyond belief. I feel like I should have done something more to ensure that this didn't happen, even though I asked for counseling and I asked for us to get help. I feel so much right now that it is all overwhelming my emotions.
I am going to be honest right now, I feel bad for myself, and that makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am being kicked while I am already down. All the medical issues with Cole, issues with money, issues with my anxiety, the issues in my marriage, the fighting, the responsibilities of my children, all of it has taken such a toll on me. And I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I love my kids more than life itself, and I wanted better for them. I know that people have it way worse than me, and I am trying to remember that, but when all this is happening to me, I find it so hard to be positive and to think that way. That makes me feel so guilty.
Since I am being honest, I might as well say this too. I want to be mean. I want to be nasty. I want to scream at the girl, call her nasty names and make her feel like hell. I want to be mean to him. I have said some things to him, but I want to go all out crazy. I want to tell him how much I hate him right now, and how what he has done to his family is making me sick. I want to tell him that him not calling to check on the kids when they are as sick as they are right now makes me insane. I want to tell him that it was ridiculous how he talked to me at the DMC for Cole's scope. He talked to me like nothing has happened. Like I was his good friend or something. Dude, I am not your friend. I am your WIFE. The one you are cheating on. The one who is heart broken by what you did.
I am so grateful for my mom and sister during all of this. They have been there for me, and listened to me go between crying hysterically to being so angry I couldn't see straight. I am also so grateful for Amy. She listened to me these last two weeks, and has cried with me, and given me so much support. I am forever grateful for that.
I don't like feeling this way. I don't like having hate in my heart. It is tearing me apart. I know that this is all part of the grieving process, but I don't like it one bit. I don't like going from happy to sad to mad and then back all over again. I have done so well with making sure that I don't cry in front of Owen, and that I keep all my emotions under control until I am able to let them out when the kids are not around.
I wish I could shout from the roof top about how bad the last few months have been. But I won't. A very few people know what I have been going through, and I don't want to burden people with all of it. Just know that it has not been a very peaceful situation for quite a bit. In the long run this is what is best for me and my kids, but it still breaks my heart.
I didn't want this for my life, for my kids, but here it is. I know that with God, I will get through this stronger than I was before. I know that life is full of bumps and hurdles, and right now I am getting my share of them, but it will get better.
I needed this. I needed to vent. I needed to get this all out.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Update on the kids
Let's start out with Cole's scope that he has this morning. He did really great! He has acid reflux, but it is not harming his esophagus. He has one small acid wear down spot but that is it! I am so happy that he does not have a severe case.
On to Lucy, little miss sick sick. She has had the same ear infection for 2 months now. After 3 different oral antibiotics, she had 3 shots of an antibiotic. She is now on breathing treatments too. We have to bring her machine to Florida with us just in case she needs some treatments while we are there.
Owen has an ear infection in each ear, despite being on antibiotics for almost a week. He is now on the shot antibiotic as well. He had a really rough night last night. He cried and cried about how bad his ear hurt him. I could see fluid right inside of his ear, so I know he must have been in some serious pain. I gave him some tylenol and stayed up with him pretty much all night. My poor little guy. He was not happy when he found out he was getting a shot. The lady at 7-11 bought him a slurpee because she felt so bad for him!
All of the kids will be getting benedryl before getting on the plane. The doctor said it will help keep their ears from popping and hurting during the flight. Owen has to take ear drops and a nose spray as well.
What a great time to pick to go to Florida! Hopefully the mildly more warm weather will help their little noses out and make them feel nice and happy.
On to Lucy, little miss sick sick. She has had the same ear infection for 2 months now. After 3 different oral antibiotics, she had 3 shots of an antibiotic. She is now on breathing treatments too. We have to bring her machine to Florida with us just in case she needs some treatments while we are there.
Owen has an ear infection in each ear, despite being on antibiotics for almost a week. He is now on the shot antibiotic as well. He had a really rough night last night. He cried and cried about how bad his ear hurt him. I could see fluid right inside of his ear, so I know he must have been in some serious pain. I gave him some tylenol and stayed up with him pretty much all night. My poor little guy. He was not happy when he found out he was getting a shot. The lady at 7-11 bought him a slurpee because she felt so bad for him!
All of the kids will be getting benedryl before getting on the plane. The doctor said it will help keep their ears from popping and hurting during the flight. Owen has to take ear drops and a nose spray as well.
What a great time to pick to go to Florida! Hopefully the mildly more warm weather will help their little noses out and make them feel nice and happy.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Cole and Early Intervention
Today 2 specialists from early intervention came out to evaluate Cole. They were really great, and they loved Cole! It has been decided that he has a slight delay in his gross motor skills. They qualify him for early intervention, and someone will be calling me within 2 weeks to talk to me more about it. There is a group for kids his age that have some delays, and this group will help him learn how to get to where he needs to be. He is at an 8 month level for his gross motor skills, and right on target with his fine motor skills.
I am so happy I decided to call them and have them come out. It was so nice to see him do all this stuff with them! I didn't even know that he could bang 2 blocks together. Right after I said he couldn't do it yet, he went and did it! He just wanted to prove his momma wrong :-)
I am so happy I decided to call them and have them come out. It was so nice to see him do all this stuff with them! I didn't even know that he could bang 2 blocks together. Right after I said he couldn't do it yet, he went and did it! He just wanted to prove his momma wrong :-)
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Life
Sometimes things don't go as we had planned. Sometimes our dreams don't become our reality. And you know what? That's ok. Life will go on, whether you want it to or not. Right now my life is not where I want it to be, but I know that wherever it leads me, I will go with an open heart and an open mind. God has blessed me with 3 wonderful children. I could not ask for more.
2010 is here, and I plan to make the most of it! I had a rough 2009, but I made it through stronger than I thought I could be. 2009 brought me 2 out of 3 of the best things in my life, Lucy and Cole. The 3rd of course being my sweet oldest baby, Owen (2006 brought me him!).
A friend very recently told me that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Words to live by.
2010 is here, and I plan to make the most of it! I had a rough 2009, but I made it through stronger than I thought I could be. 2009 brought me 2 out of 3 of the best things in my life, Lucy and Cole. The 3rd of course being my sweet oldest baby, Owen (2006 brought me him!).
A friend very recently told me that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Words to live by.
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