I figured it is about time to do a good post, so here goes...
I am in the middle of planning the twins first birthday party. I am so excited for it. It feels good to look forward to something. I am having their birthday party on my actual birthday. I am glad that I decided to do it then, it makes me excited for my birthday too. I was concerned about how I would feel in light of everything going on, so it really will be a great thing.
My birthday last year was horrible. Lucy and Cole were born 5 days before, and I felt so awful. It took me 8 weeks before I started feeling normal from having the twins. My heart was always pounding, my hands shook so bad, my blood pressure was out of control, I was anemic from losing so much blood during my c-section. I was so grateful that I didn't end up needing a blood transfusion. Even though it was a pretty rotten time, I would not change a thing about it at all.
Their birthday theme is 1st birthday princess and 1st birthday prince. The decorations are so cute! I am so grateful to my sister who bought them as their gift. Everything will be pink and blue. I am thinking that I will have pizza and some snacks. The twins love pizza, just like their momma! I bought Owen a yo gabba gabba memory game today so he has a little gift to open too, he is having some issues with jealousy. I don't blame him, it must be hard for him, he doens't get nearly as much attention as he did pre-babies.
I am having the party in the basement, what a chore that is going to be! My mom and I are going to work down there tomorrow when Jon takes the kids for a little bit. It will end up working out perfectly because it needs to be cleaned down there anyway so Faith and Jake can move down there.
Well, I must head on off to bed soon, it is almost 2 in the morning!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Exhausted
I am completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. My heart is so broken. I didn't even know that pain this unbearable existed. I gave it my all. I tried everything I possibly could do to make him want to work on our marriage. The end answer is that he doesn't want to be with me. He does not want to be in our marriage anymore. I cannot do anything else about it. I know in my heart that I did all that I could. I wanted to do so much more. I wanted to go to counseling. I wanted to make it work.
Sometimes we don't get the things that we want. That is the truth about life. I want to believe that even though we don't get what we want, we get what we need. I need to believe that to move on and live.
I have only been in love one time, and I married that man. I have never had my heart broken before this situation, and I feel for everyone who has ever experienced this before. I never knew that I could hurt this badly. I feel destroyed to my very soul. My heart feels like nothing could ever make it whole again.
I am so thankful that I have my children to get me through this. They are the best gift that God could have ever blessed me with. Through all of this, they have been amazing. Always smiling. I hope that one day I can look back on this and be thankful that it happened, and know that it was what was supposed to happen. I do not feel that at all right now, but maybe when the situation is not so raw I will feel like that. I can only hope.
Now, I need to vent for a short time. I feel like if he loved me he would have fought for me, for our marriage, and for our family. I know that when my anxiety/ocd issues were at its worst, that it was too much for him. Hell, it was far too much for me. I wish that at that time he would have talked to me about it instead of running away from our marriage. I feel like if he loved me the way I loved him, the way I deserved to be loved, that he would have loved me through the anxiety. That he would have loved me unconditionally, anxiety and all. I deserve someone who loves me, all of me, every part of me.
Very few people know how awful it was towards the end. I will keep that to myself, but I wanted to let you all know even though I am heart broken, I am also healing. I am healing from the pain, anger, and sadness that was in my marriage before it fell apart. My kids are healing from what they went through at the end. I know that we will be ok. I know that I will be ok, eventually. Time heals all wounds as the saying goes...
Sometimes we don't get the things that we want. That is the truth about life. I want to believe that even though we don't get what we want, we get what we need. I need to believe that to move on and live.
I have only been in love one time, and I married that man. I have never had my heart broken before this situation, and I feel for everyone who has ever experienced this before. I never knew that I could hurt this badly. I feel destroyed to my very soul. My heart feels like nothing could ever make it whole again.
I am so thankful that I have my children to get me through this. They are the best gift that God could have ever blessed me with. Through all of this, they have been amazing. Always smiling. I hope that one day I can look back on this and be thankful that it happened, and know that it was what was supposed to happen. I do not feel that at all right now, but maybe when the situation is not so raw I will feel like that. I can only hope.
Now, I need to vent for a short time. I feel like if he loved me he would have fought for me, for our marriage, and for our family. I know that when my anxiety/ocd issues were at its worst, that it was too much for him. Hell, it was far too much for me. I wish that at that time he would have talked to me about it instead of running away from our marriage. I feel like if he loved me the way I loved him, the way I deserved to be loved, that he would have loved me through the anxiety. That he would have loved me unconditionally, anxiety and all. I deserve someone who loves me, all of me, every part of me.
Very few people know how awful it was towards the end. I will keep that to myself, but I wanted to let you all know even though I am heart broken, I am also healing. I am healing from the pain, anger, and sadness that was in my marriage before it fell apart. My kids are healing from what they went through at the end. I know that we will be ok. I know that I will be ok, eventually. Time heals all wounds as the saying goes...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Moving on...
I am ready to move on, to be done with all this drama. I would like to get this divorce moving, and I would love for all the testing to be done with Cole. I would love for all the worry to disappear. That would be great!
I have good moments and bad moments. Mainly, I feel a lot of anger and hatred towards him. He acts so hateful to me, and that is making it way easier for me to dislike him so much at this time. I have never been one to be patient, I want this done and over with now! It will take 6 months from when one of us files, and at this point and time I don't even know if he has done that or not. I have not, I am still working on getting the money together so I can file. If he does it before me, then I will at least have the money to retain my lawyer. I am nervous about the future and how I will support my kids, but God is good, and I have faith that all will work out exactly the way it is supposed to.
I am now pondering what I want to do with my life. I have wanted to become a nurse for the last few years. I am toying with the idea of maybe going back to school for nursing. I would love to become a CNM and deliver babies! If I would have started this years ago, I would love to be an OB. I find everthing having to deal with pregnancy and birth so exciting! I wonder if that is because my pregnancies sucked so bad.
Quick update on the kiddos...They are all finally ear infection free! It only took 2 months for Lucy, and over a month for Owen. Lucy is off of breathing treatments and is breathing well and her lungs are sounding clear and healthy. Cole is improving on his motor skills. I have been doing his exercises with him, and he is doing great. Lucy is wanting to walk, and I bet she will very shortly! Owen is doing great in school, he is learning spanish and loves playing with his friends. My kids are awesome, I can't lie :-)
I have good moments and bad moments. Mainly, I feel a lot of anger and hatred towards him. He acts so hateful to me, and that is making it way easier for me to dislike him so much at this time. I have never been one to be patient, I want this done and over with now! It will take 6 months from when one of us files, and at this point and time I don't even know if he has done that or not. I have not, I am still working on getting the money together so I can file. If he does it before me, then I will at least have the money to retain my lawyer. I am nervous about the future and how I will support my kids, but God is good, and I have faith that all will work out exactly the way it is supposed to.
I am now pondering what I want to do with my life. I have wanted to become a nurse for the last few years. I am toying with the idea of maybe going back to school for nursing. I would love to become a CNM and deliver babies! If I would have started this years ago, I would love to be an OB. I find everthing having to deal with pregnancy and birth so exciting! I wonder if that is because my pregnancies sucked so bad.
Quick update on the kiddos...They are all finally ear infection free! It only took 2 months for Lucy, and over a month for Owen. Lucy is off of breathing treatments and is breathing well and her lungs are sounding clear and healthy. Cole is improving on his motor skills. I have been doing his exercises with him, and he is doing great. Lucy is wanting to walk, and I bet she will very shortly! Owen is doing great in school, he is learning spanish and loves playing with his friends. My kids are awesome, I can't lie :-)
Friday, January 8, 2010
Feeling guilty
I have a problem with feeling guilty. I feel guilty about how I feel. I am honestly not sure if that even makes any sense right now.
I have had a rough day today. I felt really angry and hateful. I wanted to say mean things and try to hurt him even a fraction as much as he hurt me. I had nightmares last night about him cheating on me, and I woke up feeling so sick to my stomach, because the nightmare is happening in real life.
I feel so stupid. I feel naive. I feel dumb. I feel like I was too trusting. I feel a lot of things. I feel betrayed. I feel lost. I feel heart broken. I feel pissed beyond belief. I feel like I should have done something more to ensure that this didn't happen, even though I asked for counseling and I asked for us to get help. I feel so much right now that it is all overwhelming my emotions.
I am going to be honest right now, I feel bad for myself, and that makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am being kicked while I am already down. All the medical issues with Cole, issues with money, issues with my anxiety, the issues in my marriage, the fighting, the responsibilities of my children, all of it has taken such a toll on me. And I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I love my kids more than life itself, and I wanted better for them. I know that people have it way worse than me, and I am trying to remember that, but when all this is happening to me, I find it so hard to be positive and to think that way. That makes me feel so guilty.
Since I am being honest, I might as well say this too. I want to be mean. I want to be nasty. I want to scream at the girl, call her nasty names and make her feel like hell. I want to be mean to him. I have said some things to him, but I want to go all out crazy. I want to tell him how much I hate him right now, and how what he has done to his family is making me sick. I want to tell him that him not calling to check on the kids when they are as sick as they are right now makes me insane. I want to tell him that it was ridiculous how he talked to me at the DMC for Cole's scope. He talked to me like nothing has happened. Like I was his good friend or something. Dude, I am not your friend. I am your WIFE. The one you are cheating on. The one who is heart broken by what you did.
I am so grateful for my mom and sister during all of this. They have been there for me, and listened to me go between crying hysterically to being so angry I couldn't see straight. I am also so grateful for Amy. She listened to me these last two weeks, and has cried with me, and given me so much support. I am forever grateful for that.
I don't like feeling this way. I don't like having hate in my heart. It is tearing me apart. I know that this is all part of the grieving process, but I don't like it one bit. I don't like going from happy to sad to mad and then back all over again. I have done so well with making sure that I don't cry in front of Owen, and that I keep all my emotions under control until I am able to let them out when the kids are not around.
I wish I could shout from the roof top about how bad the last few months have been. But I won't. A very few people know what I have been going through, and I don't want to burden people with all of it. Just know that it has not been a very peaceful situation for quite a bit. In the long run this is what is best for me and my kids, but it still breaks my heart.
I didn't want this for my life, for my kids, but here it is. I know that with God, I will get through this stronger than I was before. I know that life is full of bumps and hurdles, and right now I am getting my share of them, but it will get better.
I needed this. I needed to vent. I needed to get this all out.
I have had a rough day today. I felt really angry and hateful. I wanted to say mean things and try to hurt him even a fraction as much as he hurt me. I had nightmares last night about him cheating on me, and I woke up feeling so sick to my stomach, because the nightmare is happening in real life.
I feel so stupid. I feel naive. I feel dumb. I feel like I was too trusting. I feel a lot of things. I feel betrayed. I feel lost. I feel heart broken. I feel pissed beyond belief. I feel like I should have done something more to ensure that this didn't happen, even though I asked for counseling and I asked for us to get help. I feel so much right now that it is all overwhelming my emotions.
I am going to be honest right now, I feel bad for myself, and that makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am being kicked while I am already down. All the medical issues with Cole, issues with money, issues with my anxiety, the issues in my marriage, the fighting, the responsibilities of my children, all of it has taken such a toll on me. And I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I love my kids more than life itself, and I wanted better for them. I know that people have it way worse than me, and I am trying to remember that, but when all this is happening to me, I find it so hard to be positive and to think that way. That makes me feel so guilty.
Since I am being honest, I might as well say this too. I want to be mean. I want to be nasty. I want to scream at the girl, call her nasty names and make her feel like hell. I want to be mean to him. I have said some things to him, but I want to go all out crazy. I want to tell him how much I hate him right now, and how what he has done to his family is making me sick. I want to tell him that him not calling to check on the kids when they are as sick as they are right now makes me insane. I want to tell him that it was ridiculous how he talked to me at the DMC for Cole's scope. He talked to me like nothing has happened. Like I was his good friend or something. Dude, I am not your friend. I am your WIFE. The one you are cheating on. The one who is heart broken by what you did.
I am so grateful for my mom and sister during all of this. They have been there for me, and listened to me go between crying hysterically to being so angry I couldn't see straight. I am also so grateful for Amy. She listened to me these last two weeks, and has cried with me, and given me so much support. I am forever grateful for that.
I don't like feeling this way. I don't like having hate in my heart. It is tearing me apart. I know that this is all part of the grieving process, but I don't like it one bit. I don't like going from happy to sad to mad and then back all over again. I have done so well with making sure that I don't cry in front of Owen, and that I keep all my emotions under control until I am able to let them out when the kids are not around.
I wish I could shout from the roof top about how bad the last few months have been. But I won't. A very few people know what I have been going through, and I don't want to burden people with all of it. Just know that it has not been a very peaceful situation for quite a bit. In the long run this is what is best for me and my kids, but it still breaks my heart.
I didn't want this for my life, for my kids, but here it is. I know that with God, I will get through this stronger than I was before. I know that life is full of bumps and hurdles, and right now I am getting my share of them, but it will get better.
I needed this. I needed to vent. I needed to get this all out.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Update on the kids
Let's start out with Cole's scope that he has this morning. He did really great! He has acid reflux, but it is not harming his esophagus. He has one small acid wear down spot but that is it! I am so happy that he does not have a severe case.
On to Lucy, little miss sick sick. She has had the same ear infection for 2 months now. After 3 different oral antibiotics, she had 3 shots of an antibiotic. She is now on breathing treatments too. We have to bring her machine to Florida with us just in case she needs some treatments while we are there.
Owen has an ear infection in each ear, despite being on antibiotics for almost a week. He is now on the shot antibiotic as well. He had a really rough night last night. He cried and cried about how bad his ear hurt him. I could see fluid right inside of his ear, so I know he must have been in some serious pain. I gave him some tylenol and stayed up with him pretty much all night. My poor little guy. He was not happy when he found out he was getting a shot. The lady at 7-11 bought him a slurpee because she felt so bad for him!
All of the kids will be getting benedryl before getting on the plane. The doctor said it will help keep their ears from popping and hurting during the flight. Owen has to take ear drops and a nose spray as well.
What a great time to pick to go to Florida! Hopefully the mildly more warm weather will help their little noses out and make them feel nice and happy.
On to Lucy, little miss sick sick. She has had the same ear infection for 2 months now. After 3 different oral antibiotics, she had 3 shots of an antibiotic. She is now on breathing treatments too. We have to bring her machine to Florida with us just in case she needs some treatments while we are there.
Owen has an ear infection in each ear, despite being on antibiotics for almost a week. He is now on the shot antibiotic as well. He had a really rough night last night. He cried and cried about how bad his ear hurt him. I could see fluid right inside of his ear, so I know he must have been in some serious pain. I gave him some tylenol and stayed up with him pretty much all night. My poor little guy. He was not happy when he found out he was getting a shot. The lady at 7-11 bought him a slurpee because she felt so bad for him!
All of the kids will be getting benedryl before getting on the plane. The doctor said it will help keep their ears from popping and hurting during the flight. Owen has to take ear drops and a nose spray as well.
What a great time to pick to go to Florida! Hopefully the mildly more warm weather will help their little noses out and make them feel nice and happy.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Cole and Early Intervention
Today 2 specialists from early intervention came out to evaluate Cole. They were really great, and they loved Cole! It has been decided that he has a slight delay in his gross motor skills. They qualify him for early intervention, and someone will be calling me within 2 weeks to talk to me more about it. There is a group for kids his age that have some delays, and this group will help him learn how to get to where he needs to be. He is at an 8 month level for his gross motor skills, and right on target with his fine motor skills.
I am so happy I decided to call them and have them come out. It was so nice to see him do all this stuff with them! I didn't even know that he could bang 2 blocks together. Right after I said he couldn't do it yet, he went and did it! He just wanted to prove his momma wrong :-)
I am so happy I decided to call them and have them come out. It was so nice to see him do all this stuff with them! I didn't even know that he could bang 2 blocks together. Right after I said he couldn't do it yet, he went and did it! He just wanted to prove his momma wrong :-)
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Life
Sometimes things don't go as we had planned. Sometimes our dreams don't become our reality. And you know what? That's ok. Life will go on, whether you want it to or not. Right now my life is not where I want it to be, but I know that wherever it leads me, I will go with an open heart and an open mind. God has blessed me with 3 wonderful children. I could not ask for more.
2010 is here, and I plan to make the most of it! I had a rough 2009, but I made it through stronger than I thought I could be. 2009 brought me 2 out of 3 of the best things in my life, Lucy and Cole. The 3rd of course being my sweet oldest baby, Owen (2006 brought me him!).
A friend very recently told me that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Words to live by.
2010 is here, and I plan to make the most of it! I had a rough 2009, but I made it through stronger than I thought I could be. 2009 brought me 2 out of 3 of the best things in my life, Lucy and Cole. The 3rd of course being my sweet oldest baby, Owen (2006 brought me him!).
A friend very recently told me that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Words to live by.
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