Feeling guilty

I have a problem with feeling guilty. I feel guilty about how I feel. I am honestly not sure if that even makes any sense right now.

I have had a rough day today. I felt really angry and hateful. I wanted to say mean things and try to hurt him even a fraction as much as he hurt me. I had nightmares last night about him cheating on me, and I woke up feeling so sick to my stomach, because the nightmare is happening in real life.

I feel so stupid. I feel naive. I feel dumb. I feel like I was too trusting. I feel a lot of things. I feel betrayed. I feel lost. I feel heart broken. I feel pissed beyond belief. I feel like I should have done something more to ensure that this didn't happen, even though I asked for counseling and I asked for us to get help. I feel so much right now that it is all overwhelming my emotions.

I am going to be honest right now, I feel bad for myself, and that makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am being kicked while I am already down. All the medical issues with Cole, issues with money, issues with my anxiety, the issues in my marriage, the fighting, the responsibilities of my children, all of it has taken such a toll on me. And I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I love my kids more than life itself, and I wanted better for them. I know that people have it way worse than me, and I am trying to remember that, but when all this is happening to me, I find it so hard to be positive and to think that way. That makes me feel so guilty.

Since I am being honest, I might as well say this too. I want to be mean. I want to be nasty. I want to scream at the girl, call her nasty names and make her feel like hell. I want to be mean to him. I have said some things to him, but I want to go all out crazy. I want to tell him how much I hate him right now, and how what he has done to his family is making me sick. I want to tell him that him not calling to check on the kids when they are as sick as they are right now makes me insane. I want to tell him that it was ridiculous how he talked to me at the DMC for Cole's scope. He talked to me like nothing has happened. Like I was his good friend or something. Dude, I am not your friend. I am your WIFE. The one you are cheating on. The one who is heart broken by what you did.

I am so grateful for my mom and sister during all of this. They have been there for me, and listened to me go between crying hysterically to being so angry I couldn't see straight. I am also so grateful for Amy. She listened to me these last two weeks, and has cried with me, and given me so much support. I am forever grateful for that.

I don't like feeling this way. I don't like having hate in my heart. It is tearing me apart. I know that this is all part of the grieving process, but I don't like it one bit. I don't like going from happy to sad to mad and then back all over again. I have done so well with making sure that I don't cry in front of Owen, and that I keep all my emotions under control until I am able to let them out when the kids are not around.

I wish I could shout from the roof top about how bad the last few months have been. But I won't. A very few people know what I have been going through, and I don't want to burden people with all of it. Just know that it has not been a very peaceful situation for quite a bit. In the long run this is what is best for me and my kids, but it still breaks my heart.

I didn't want this for my life, for my kids, but here it is. I know that with God, I will get through this stronger than I was before. I know that life is full of bumps and hurdles, and right now I am getting my share of them, but it will get better.

I needed this. I needed to vent. I needed to get this all out.