Exhausted

I am completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. My heart is so broken. I didn't even know that pain this unbearable existed. I gave it my all. I tried everything I possibly could do to make him want to work on our marriage. The end answer is that he doesn't want to be with me. He does not want to be in our marriage anymore. I cannot do anything else about it. I know in my heart that I did all that I could. I wanted to do so much more. I wanted to go to counseling. I wanted to make it work.

Sometimes we don't get the things that we want. That is the truth about life. I want to believe that even though we don't get what we want, we get what we need. I need to believe that to move on and live.

I have only been in love one time, and I married that man. I have never had my heart broken before this situation, and I feel for everyone who has ever experienced this before. I never knew that I could hurt this badly. I feel destroyed to my very soul. My heart feels like nothing could ever make it whole again.

I am so thankful that I have my children to get me through this. They are the best gift that God could have ever blessed me with. Through all of this, they have been amazing. Always smiling. I hope that one day I can look back on this and be thankful that it happened, and know that it was what was supposed to happen. I do not feel that at all right now, but maybe when the situation is not so raw I will feel like that. I can only hope.

Now, I need to vent for a short time. I feel like if he loved me he would have fought for me, for our marriage, and for our family. I know that when my anxiety/ocd issues were at its worst, that it was too much for him. Hell, it was far too much for me. I wish that at that time he would have talked to me about it instead of running away from our marriage. I feel like if he loved me the way I loved him, the way I deserved to be loved, that he would have loved me through the anxiety. That he would have loved me unconditionally, anxiety and all. I deserve someone who loves me, all of me, every part of me.

Very few people know how awful it was towards the end. I will keep that to myself, but I wanted to let you all know even though I am heart broken, I am also healing. I am healing from the pain, anger, and sadness that was in my marriage before it fell apart. My kids are healing from what they went through at the end. I know that we will be ok. I know that I will be ok, eventually. Time heals all wounds as the saying goes...