It's been a while...

Well, it has been a while. I have been having a rough go of it the last week or so. I have been mourning the loss of my marriage, and dealing with the testings with Cole. I am overwhelmed, to say the least. I want so many things right now. I want Jon to call and say he will go to counseling and that he loves me. I want doctors to start telling me that Cole is fine and it was all a mistake. I want to not have anxiety. I want to like myself and everything about me. I want to be happy. I want to live and love life. I want to move on and heal.

I do want to want to move on and heal. I want that. But I can't do it. At least not right now. I want to be a family again, that is what I want. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to be apart. I don't want to have to read Owen the books I got on divorce to help him with the hard time he is having. I don't want any of this, not at all. The thing that really gets to me is that I can't change a thing about this situation, except the way I am responding to it. And I don't even know how to do that. I want to talk to him all the time again, and then I remind myself of all the horrible nasty things he has said and done and then I hate him all over again and want it to be over. Then I love him again. The back and forth is wearing me down so badly. I wish I could pick one emotion and just stick with it.

Owen has been breaking my heart. He asks for his daddy often, and when he is upset with me he cries for his daddy. He asks him to stay when he comes here to pick them up or drop them off, and I have to be the bad guy and talk to him about how daddy doesn't live here anymore, blah blah blah. I get the best end of the deal, I have my wonderful babies with me all the time, but I get the worst end too. I have to deal with the day to day hurt and sadness I see Owen going through, and it is tearing me apart. My heart is breaking for him. For his pain. For his hurt. For his fear. He has been acting out terribly, and is being really defiant. It is so hard to see him struggling emotionally. I went to the library and got some books that will hopefully teach me how to help him.

My kids are amazing, and they are the single most greatest things that I have done in my entire life. God has blessed me more than I could ever imagine possible. Owen, Lucy, and Cole are the light of my life. They make the best days even better and the worst days managable. I need an outlet for all of my feelings, so for now this blog is going to have to suit that purpose. I have been working on not going on and on about this to friends, I can only imagine how annoying it could get if I just kept going on and on about divorce and pain and heartbreak. It tires me out, so I can bet that it tires them out too!

Amy and my mom have been my rocks during this time, and I am forever grateful for that. I am so blessed to have such a great friend and such a great momma! I hope that my kids feel that way about me someday. Anywho, I am emotionally drained and need to shower and go to bed.